Friend

Friend,
I don’t know if it’s me you’re talking to? Or if it’s God this anger is directed against. I am nothing in the scheme of things. Who is anything? Our lives are like vapor. We are but a grain of sand among the myriad and myriad of sand. A speck floating in the vast of all of open space. When our progeny is gone who will even miss us?

I will say, I was not born for me, or for you, or for my daughter, or family,
I was born for God. My plans, oh, there have been many, so many, crashed, incinerated, ripped to shred ideas I had of how my life should have went, but didn’t.

Yes, it was all, F’d up. All of it. How I had a child out of wedlock to a man that abandoned us both when she was still inside my womb. He acted as if he merely defecated, and then never looked back. Never gave a F about us. You can’t know what kind of hell that is, because you haven’t been a woman whose carried a child. It should have been the happiest time of my life. I prayed and prayed that the river of tears that I drowned in every night wouldn’t affect her. Kneeling up until I was eight months pregnant, and I just couldn’t get down far enough anymore. Reading Romans 8 everynight as if our lives depended upon it. Taking every verse and committing it to memory, because that is what I had to keep myself alive. God gave me that bread to eat so I would survive.

I think all of those who have read my work know my daughter Emma, has a mental illness, I think I’ve written bi-polar disorder. I prayed so hard sometimes, my face to the floor, tasting the hairs that the cheap vacuum couldn’t always clean up. Dried mucous smeared across my cheek, make-up like sh T. So no I am not Mary Sunshine, Carol Brady, or even a woman whose life has gone traditionally well?

Do you think you are the only one whose been stabbed in the throat by love? Please. I have had so much unrequited love it is laughable, how I could have been so deceived or that simple-minded, or that diluted. It happens alot. But God isn’t to blame for our failed romances. He just isn’t. We decide to sin, fornicate, whatever. Love people who we know cannot love us back. At least I knew. The married men I had gone with. Who promised things they were unable to give.

Why must we always blame someone? Why not put the blame where it squarely belongs, why not point that revolver of blame between our own eyes. That’s where most of it belongs.

You don’ t have faith, and you blame God, and you blame me, and other people. Faith is a gift. Faith isn’t a prayer prayed at a tent revival or at a Football stadium somewhere. Faith is the supernatural work of God. Grace is the Gift of a Kind and Merciful God. We all deserve the Fire Pit. But God wants to run into that burning building and pull us out one by one. But some of us want to inhale the smoke, and choke to death on it.

I can’t say when I exactly came to faith. God was bringing me and bringing me and calling and wooing me. It may have taken years for me. For some it is overnight. But when one comes to faith, one wants to live for Jesus. God doesn’t let you sin without consequences. He lovingly chastises His children. But you will not just live how you want to live, and you don’t even want to live like a pig anymore. You just don’t. I know alot of people may think I am a judgmental, narrow-minded bigot. Some, don’t get why anyone would follow an ancient book in this century. Why it would even still be applicable? I don’t care what others may think. You write you don’t want me to care about you. Actually I don’t care about you. If I didn’t have the Holy Spirit believe me, none of this would even matter to me. The Lord Jesus loves you and cares about you. You may not want His love or my concern. I will not stop praying for you. You never have to respond to me again. It isn’t about what others may feel or don’t feel for me. I still pray for everyone I ever had a connection with, whether or not they choose to communicate with me. The Love of Jesus compels me to. You may not understand, in fact alot of people do not get it.

You write that you don’t care if you burn in hell? I used to say the same thing everynight before I would go to bed in my early 20’s. " I don’t care if you send me straight to hell."
I did. This was after I was given a marvelous revelation. I had read the bible from cover to cover when I was 20. But Grace is always given in God’s Time not ours. Since Salvation is God’s Gift He will give it in His Time, and not in ours. You will be rejoicing with me in the New Jerusalem. In fact I have faith that all of the friends I pray for will be with the Lord Jesus Christ in Paradise. For you see I believe you are already written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.
God bless you friend. TO THE LAMB OF GOD, THE LORD JESUS CHRIST BE ALL GLORY NOW AND FOREVER!!!!

In-Christ’s Love,
matty